Even Better Than That!

A few years back there was a program called The Fast Show, a kind of quick-fire comedy sketch show that featured dozens of characters and spawned just as many catchphrases, some of which were even funny as opposed to teeth-gnashingly irritating when repeated ad infinitum by every man and his dog.

Anyway, amongst the many characters on The Fast Show was 'Mr Even Better Than That', a man whose long-suffering wife would send him out on simple errands for some staple of modern living only to have him return with a whole host of random items.

'Did you get the eggs I needed?'

'Even better than that! I got a Victorian toilet roll holder, some brass bicycle clips and a small bottle of squid ink!'

And of the eggs there would no sign.

And this is what came to mind when I went for my regular wander round the warehouse of marvels that is Bunnings. I like Bunnings very, very much indeed.

I like the staff, who are both knowledgable and helpful, I like the layout which is logical and spacious and I like the fact that my mum got a kick out of walking round there munching on a hot dog, something which she found as absurdly satisfying as I did.

Now originally I only went into Bunnings to get some 4mm ultra-drippers and barbed tee pieces as I was running out whilst converting our existing jetspray irrigation system. And that's another thing I like about Bunnings; you come away educated, if not actually capable. But it's a start. Where we used to live, the idea of me tackling the (well screwed up) watering system was as likely as the good people of Tooradin learning how to bloody tip.

But now, in our super McMansion with it's 6 zone holyshithowmanysprinklers??? system, it's, well, no worries. She will, indeed, be apples. Thanks to Bunnings, who not only have all the thingummys and doohickeys you need but also have someone who can tell you how to use them. These people can even deal with that most dangerous of creatures, A Pom With What He Thinks Is A Good Idea using nothing more than a timely application of a little "Well, yes, you could do that. Or..." followed by introducing said Pom to the bits actually designed for the job and steering him away from the assortment of ill-suited gubbins he was planning on using.

And the most unnerving thing is that they do this even though you were going spend more doing it your way. And this is where The Fast Show comes in.

Because they lull the likes of me into a false sense of security by looking out for me, dispensing sound advice and generally seeing me walk the DIY straight and narrow. And then, when they've endowed me with a sufficient amount of shallow knowledge... they let me roam.

'Did you get the drippers and tee pieces we needed, dear?'

'Even better than that! I got a whiteboard, some superglue, a small plastic box and pencil made entirely out of pencil! Oh, and yes I got those other things, too. And I nearly brought a box set of 19 screwdrivers for good measure.'

And yes, I did buy a pencil made entirely out of pencil (7 times more pencil than other pencils!). I wanted something to just make a nice clear mark on a surface before I started drilling for live cables. Chalk? Marker pen? Liquid paint? Ooooh, what's this. Bendable! Almost unbreakable! Writes on almost every surface! Every part of it's pencil! Sold!

And now I have one of them and, truth be told, it does write on almost every surface but it doesn't do it very well.

But the screwdrivers... Now I did like the look of them. All I need is an excuse to go back and get 'em...

Hmmm... Wonder if Bunnings sell eggs?